My Jokes by Iantanyrallt

Edited and re-posted from Unthreaded

During a boring Parliament House dinner Sophie Trudeau leaned over to chat with Finance Minister Morneau. “I bought Justin a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Justin has already taught him to say over two hundred words!”

“Very impressive,” says Morneau, “but, you do realise that he just speaks the words. He doesn’t really understand what they all mean”

“Oh, I know”, replied Sophie “but neither does the parrot.”

(Stephen Ottridge, Small Dead Animals Blog, Comments on “The Left’s Undying Faith in Models.”, 12.38pm on 23rd May, 2020.)

Please don’t tell my mother I work at the Climate Research Unit at UEA. She thinks I work in a brothel.

If you don’t like my principles, I have others. (Groucho Marx)

Copied from My Philosophy Section

• Put your underwear on BEFORE your trousers. You are NOT Superman.

• Autocorrect and autocomplete are NOT always your friends. A few moments looking at what has actually been written are always moments well spent.

• If you choose to enter a child’s room to check that they are sleeping. They were. (Billy Connolly)

• Murphy was an optimist

• I haven’t failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that don’t work. (Thomas Edison)

• At the opera, they don’t like it if you join in.

• You are not neurotic, they are out to get you.

If all else fails, become a Climate Scientist

That reminds me of a story about a very disliked boss we had. Two workers were sent to his home to get papers signed ASAP. His wife answered the door and directed the men to the back garden saying 'he's in the shed with his snakes... he's the one with the tie on'.

The gentleman had just moved into his remore, retirement cottage deep in the Highland glens.

On answering a knock on the door he was confronted by a burly, ginger-bearded farmer who says

"Come up to my farm over there tomorrow night at 8 o'clock for a party. Bring a bottle."

The newcomer thanks the farmer and asks what the dress code is and the format of the event. The farmer replies

"We will start with the dancing; then there will be more dancing and drinking, then some more drinking. After that, if things go well, I expect we will enjoy some vigorous sex."

"How many girls are coming to the party?" the incomer enquired.

"There are no girls! It will just be the two of us!"

Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder.

A funny sense of humour those plumbers.

My mate got in a load of trouble with his boss at the farm in Germany where he works..

Turned out he wanted him to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs

My brother said that on the 8th of May he and his neighbours had organised a street party for "VD day". I suggested that he and the neighbours hadn't quite got to grips with the concept of social distancing, no matter how far apart they'd set their tables.

STOLEN from MIT webpages.

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he E-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington. Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research, the War, and such. I'll gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon, you'd say the President is a saint."

The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and said, "The Church is in desperate need of funds. I will do it."

Bush pompously showed up that following Sunday, looking especially smug, smirking for his photo op, while strutting his way, cowboy-style, into the church.

As the sermon started the Bishop began his homily:

"George Bush is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite as well as a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, probably still a drunk, and a low-intelligence sneaky weasel. He has lied about his military record, and then had the gall to put himself in uniform on a military jet, landing on a carrier, and then posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.'
He invaded a country for oil and money, all the while lying to the American people about the war, with nary a care for the thousands of lives it has taken and continues to take. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known or known of. But compared to Dick Cheney, George Bush is a saint."

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas Season.

This isn't for any religious reasons, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Sorry to Tiny

" And tonight hope is fading for the 4 sailors believed trapped in Brit Eckland's bedroom ",

Mel Smith,
Not the Nine O'clock News,
1980.

A man was mugged and lay bleeding and very badly injured on the ground.

A Social Worker happens upon this sad scene and says to the man:-

" Tell me the name of the person that did this terrible deed. He needs my help immediately."

I will take my coat.

***** ************* ************** ************ ************** ********* ***********

The eleven most feared words in the English Language are

"I am from the Government, and I am here to help."

The Guardian, Thursday 29 September 2005

This morning I received thrilling news: a joke I wrote more than 20 years ago has been voted the funniest religious joke of all time! In case you've missed it, here it is:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too!

Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too!

What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too!

Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too!

Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too!

Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said,
"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

Man at football match to chuck wagon operative

"A cup of tea, a meat pie and a kind word, please"

He is served his tea and pie. He asks

" What about the kind word?"

"Don't eat the pie" the stall holder replies.