Q. What do you call a gullible fool with a calculator?

A. A climate scientist

Q. What do you call a gullible fool with a calculator, who knows how to turn it on?

A. A a BBC/Guardian climate science expert.

Q. What do you say to a BBC climate science expert in a few years time?

A. Big Mac, large fries, please.

Q. What do you say to a former MP caught up in climate science scams?

A. Has Open Prison changed you?

Q. Why did Michael Mann drop his claim to be a Nobel Prize Winner?

A. Because he couldn't make it stick.

Q. Why are climate scientists so bad at History?

A. Because they never warmed to the Medieval.

"Don't worry, there isn't going to be a hurricane" Michael Fish, 15 Oct 1987, BBC Weather Forecast.

(Yes I know that technically he was right, bloody windy though wasn't it?)

"It is/was/ will be UNPRECEDENTED" every BBC presenter, every news item, every day, until they get a new script writer in British Climate Control.

Why did the climate scientist santa get stuck up the chimney?
He hadn't reckoned on the soot.

Did you hear about the climate scientst's guitar solo?
Drowned out by the feedback.

Why did the French climate scientists get cross at Christmas?
Un pressie dented

What is a climate activist's favourite carol?
O Come All Ye Faithful

Why was the climate scientist's Christmas tree so bare?
He only had a few bad pine cones

On the fifth day of Christmas my climate scientists sent to me...
...five tree rings

Why was the climate scientists angry at the decorations?
Said 'e meant upside-down

What did the climate scientists think of his record collection?
Hide the Patsy Cline

What shop did the climate scientist get his dodgy sea temperatures from?
Argos

What was the most revised food page on Wikipedia last year?
Stoat in the hole

That'll do for now.

If all Climate Science could be compressed into a 1mm cube, how long would it take to sink?

If all Climate Scientists had to camp on the Arctic Sea Ice, without access to any communications equipment.....
Sorry, I was dreaming.

Q. If all Climate Scientists spent 10 years trying to explain 20 years without any Global Warming, which clearly breaches the Laws of Climate Science, and still not reach a conclusion, who would be dumb enough to call it a 97% consensus, to cameras broadcasting around the world?

A. The President of the United States of America.

When do we get to hear from the 3% of climate scientists, who obviously know more than the other 97% put together?

Q.What do 97% of climate scientists get paid for?

A. They make politicians seem like caring and conscientious people, who really understand value for money.

Radical Rodent,

frightfully sorry, physics was never my strong point. I have never got the hang of:

Maths over Density = Climate science + Nobel Prize + Loadsamoney

It just seems so wrong, but 97% of climate scientists know better, and have the bank accounts to prove it.

Q. What do you call a bunch of Green activists?

A. A thicket

How many climate scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. We don't pay attention to blogs telling us that the it needs changing.

A climate scientist walks into a bar and asks the barman "Do you have any grants?"
The barman says "Its a bar, mate. We don't give out grants. Would you like a beer?" to which the climate scientist shakes his head and walks out.
The next day, the climate scientist is back in the bar and asks the barman "Do you have any grants?".
"Like I told you yesterday" said the barman. " We don't give out grants here. We only serve drinks. You'll have to go to the government". The climate scientist shrugged and leaves.
Again, the next day the climate scientist comes in and asks the barman for a grant.
"FFS! Look here." the barman yelled. "This is the last time I tell you that we don't give out grants. If you come back here again and ask for a grant I will nail your hockey stick to the bar!"
"Ok" says the climate scientist and slowly backs out.
The barman is stunned when the next day the climate scientist returns. He leans over the bar menacingly and asks "What do you want?"
"Do you have any hammers?" asks the climate scientist.
"No!"
"Ok. Do you have any grants?"

Q. How much did climate scientists charge, to get everyone else to change all their light bulbs?

A. No idea, but no one can see any improvement.

Michael Mann, armed with a Hockey Stick, walked into an Error Bar.

Q Why don't climate scientists fabricate data in the morning?

A They would have nothing to do all afternoon.

Q Why do undergraduate climate scientists eat breakfast cereal?

A They have to collect three of the carton tops to graduate.

The single flap of a butterfly's wings in the Amazonian rainforest, has more impact on the climate, than closing all the UK's coal mines.

The Unprecedented accuracy of modern thermometers is so good, climate scientists can replot temperatures graphs from before records began.

So congratulations are in order.

I have done a precise and wide ranging review of all the data. Submitted my study to the Journal of Appulled Crackers. Received the applause and considerable appreciation of my peers. Been proposed as a fellow to the Royal Society of the Paper Hat. Offered a Professorship at the University of Bangor. The list goes on. Charlie wants me to be in the New Years Honours list, but maybe a bit late for this year.

I can now categorically state we now have exactly and precisely (for god's sake do not actually count them) 100 Climate Change Christmas Cracker jokes.

96 were absolutely side splitters. I tried them on my sample audience at the local dog rescue centre and the barks were unanimous.
4 bombed. Unfortunately I lost my notes and methodology, so cannot tell you which ones. However, trust me.

Therefore, 97% (I am sure that is right, my Excel isn't working at the moment) of all CCCCJ prove once and for all, no further debate required... ever... till the end of time... the study shows that Climate Skeptics know,

when the hat is being pulled over their eyes,
loud noises cannot distract,
that the true message is always hidden, you just have to look hard.

I bask in your glory till eternity. Oh wait what is this? Already? On twitter...

Twitter account: @POTUS
Message:
Ninety-seven percent of skeptics agree: #cracker jokes are real, man-made and dangerous. Read more: http://www.bishop-hill.net/discussion/post/2563294

I am humbled... not... anyone know how to get nominated for the Nobel prize?

With a few more days to Christmas, further contributions are welcome.

It makes no difference to the study. My Excel is now working and for some reasons whatever I put into the cells, the answer always comes out at 97. Strange.

So please let us just continue and give a pretence of rigorous science. Whatever we add, rest assured the methodology will ensure the same result.

Q. Why is the media so obsessed with global warming?

A. Because climate scientists are all married to hot models.

What do you call five conspiring scientists huddled in a room together with red pens?
Peer review.

A consensus

Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini have just been banned from Football for 8 years. They are going to try Climate Science, where no one knows of any risk to being found out.

Gleike, Mann, Lewandowsky and Cook walked into a bar, sat down, wrote an account of what a great night out they had together, and then sat for six hours in silence, waiting for someone else to buy them a drink.